The Winds of Halloween

I'm bored so I think I'll blog. There are other things I could be doing, but I don't feel like doing them right now. Give me a break, I was just sick.

Anyway...today it was really windy; I mean really really windy. Our trees probably lost just about the rest of their leaves. It's cool to watch the wind bend the tress and throw the leaves around; I never really understood where the wind comes from. My brother has tried to explain that it has something to do with air currents shifting around but I never really got it.

Oh yeah, today's Halloween. My family has never celebrated it. Never ever ever. Where we used to live we used to get a few trick-or-treaters but now we live on the top of a ridge in the middle of the woods. Yeah...and most of our neighbor's kids are already grown up. So, even if we did celebrate it, we couldn't. Or wouldn't, either way. Our church used to have an activity night on Halloween but they stopped that years ago. I remember going once with my family when I was little and we played games and made crafts; it was a fun alternative to trick-or-treating.

I wonder what I'll say to my children if they ask me if they can celebrate Halloween of not. Halloween is the celebration of darkness, a "festival of the death" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Halloween). The focus of Halloween is fear. People dress up in scary costumes and decorate their yards with skeletons, spiderwebs, ghosts, carved pumpkins and monsters. I don't think I want my children to be a part of that.

Sick

My family went on our annual fall vacation a couple of weeks ago. I had a great time but on the second to last day, I got sick. I spent two days there on the couch and another two days laying around at home. I ate hardly anything for three days and found it hard to eat after that. I still don't have much of an appetite. And I suppose I'm still sick. I haven't been feeling normal the past...11 days. Ugh, it's so annoying. I'm the one that usually gets sick in my family, must be a faulty immune system or some such problem. But I've never had anything like that before. I haven't been going to my dance classes or getting all my school work done, I'm not sure if I'll make it into work on Friday (even though I told my boss I could make it) or to a college visit this Saturday. Maybe I need more sleep (well, I don't know. I've been getting like 10-11 hours each night) or maybe I should eat more. I've certainly done my share of relaxing. I've watched movies, old TV shows, read 300 pages of a great, new book in only a few days. Bleh...life just really stinks sometimes, ya know? Like tonight, I'm missing out on a fun girl's night at my youth leader's house with his amazing wife. Grrrr....

My Research Paper

I don't really have much so say about my research paper. I've decided to change my topic from same-sax marriage to same-sex marriage in the church. The reason I'm changing is because SSM is such a broad and controversial topic; focusing on just what people in the church believe will definitely narrow it down a lot. And let me just also say I was some what influenced by the 'debate' about whether or not we could use the Bible as a credible source. You see, I'm a Christian. Duh, I think everyone knew that already. But I guess I could call myself a relatively strong Christian. God is part of who I am, I can't just not include Him in an area of my life. Thus the Bible is part of me too. If you get into an argument with me, I will almost certainly bring up God or a Bible verse. That's just who I am. I have to write my paper using the Bible. I can't write the paper without it.

Let the Waters Rise

by Mikeschair

I love song lyrics. Goods ones that is. :)
I just heard this song the other day but the words are so powerful. And the song is beautiful.

Don't know where to begin
It's like my world's caving in
And I tried but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
You feel so far away
I am willing to go where You want me to
God I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding on to You

God your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I Don't Kill

This morning I found a chipmunk in my garage. It had been caught by one of our numerous cats and was barely alive. The poor creature lay on it's back with it's legs in the air, breathing short, quick breaths. It was obviously not going to survive. The best thing I could have done for it was to put it out of it's misery--kill it. But gazing at the poor, helpless little animal, I knew I could never do it. Even though death was the best thing for this chipmunk, there was no way I would do it. I wouldn't even know how.
I've never killed anything. Well, except for those mosquitoes I've slapped and the bugs I've accidentally stepped on. But other than the occasional insect, I've never killed anything, not even with my car. Which is pretty good considering I live in the woods where there is an abundance of animals crossing the road and I've been driving for a little over a year.
Death is such a strange thing. Everything only has one life; who am I to take something's life away?
Have you ever seen death? Witnessed a person die? I have. It was this past summer when I had my internship at the hospital. There was a lady in 2Medical who had been sick on and off for a while. While I was there, she coded. The doctors tried CPR for almost half an hour but finally had to let her go. It was an odd feeling looking at her body and knowing she wasn't in this world anymore. It was so strange to know that I had seen her die. Just that morning I had seen her walking in the halls. And then she was gone.
Death is strange.

Night Pondering

I always get great ideas at night. When I'm lying in bed, trying unsuccessfully to fall asleep, my mind feels to awake. And though my eyes are tired, and my body is longing for rest, my brain is wired with energy. I used to be a morning person; I'd get up early before the rest of my family and go to bed before them. But I've slowly begun to stay up later and I see why it is so appealing to some people. I don't like sleeping in though. Nine or ten is fine, but any time much past than is not for me. It take me hours to feel fully awake and it is not pleasant.

I wish I could feel this energy in the morning when my alarm goes off. My first response is to go right back to sleep. It wasn't this morning. This morning I felt alive. I believe the reason was because today, I had nothing to fear. There was nothing going on except for my dance class, nothing to make me nervous or anxious. It felt good. It felt right. I wish all my days were like that. And I come back to the question I keep trying to answer: Why am I so afraid?

I used to worry a lot; mainly about my parents. I was convinced something terrible would happen to one of them. It would hit me especially and night. I used to sneak out of bed and peek at them, just to make sure they were still there and that they were safe. It was miserable. But God helped me through it. Now I say I don't worry anymore. But do I? Now instead of fearing for my parents, I fear for myself. Is this just a different kind of worry? I'm constantly wondering, what will I say? What will I do? What will they think? How will I handle this? What if this happens? What if that happens? Isn't this all just another kind of worry? I'm thinking that perhaps it is. I think I really need to work on this area of my life. Living in constant fear is not really living. I can't continue like this. It makes life miserable and scary. I look at people and instead of seeing them as potential friends or people who are completely neutral to me, I see them as strangers who can in some way harm me(how, I'm not really sure, certainly not physically. Maybe verbally?). And not understanding my fear, grrr! it drives me crazy! Being afraid is bad enough but not knowing why is even worse. And if I don't know why I'm afraid, how can I possibly conquer my fears? Only through Jesus. Only with God's help.