Night Pondering

I always get great ideas at night. When I'm lying in bed, trying unsuccessfully to fall asleep, my mind feels to awake. And though my eyes are tired, and my body is longing for rest, my brain is wired with energy. I used to be a morning person; I'd get up early before the rest of my family and go to bed before them. But I've slowly begun to stay up later and I see why it is so appealing to some people. I don't like sleeping in though. Nine or ten is fine, but any time much past than is not for me. It take me hours to feel fully awake and it is not pleasant.

I wish I could feel this energy in the morning when my alarm goes off. My first response is to go right back to sleep. It wasn't this morning. This morning I felt alive. I believe the reason was because today, I had nothing to fear. There was nothing going on except for my dance class, nothing to make me nervous or anxious. It felt good. It felt right. I wish all my days were like that. And I come back to the question I keep trying to answer: Why am I so afraid?

I used to worry a lot; mainly about my parents. I was convinced something terrible would happen to one of them. It would hit me especially and night. I used to sneak out of bed and peek at them, just to make sure they were still there and that they were safe. It was miserable. But God helped me through it. Now I say I don't worry anymore. But do I? Now instead of fearing for my parents, I fear for myself. Is this just a different kind of worry? I'm constantly wondering, what will I say? What will I do? What will they think? How will I handle this? What if this happens? What if that happens? Isn't this all just another kind of worry? I'm thinking that perhaps it is. I think I really need to work on this area of my life. Living in constant fear is not really living. I can't continue like this. It makes life miserable and scary. I look at people and instead of seeing them as potential friends or people who are completely neutral to me, I see them as strangers who can in some way harm me(how, I'm not really sure, certainly not physically. Maybe verbally?). And not understanding my fear, grrr! it drives me crazy! Being afraid is bad enough but not knowing why is even worse. And if I don't know why I'm afraid, how can I possibly conquer my fears? Only through Jesus. Only with God's help.