Night Pondering

I always get great ideas at night. When I'm lying in bed, trying unsuccessfully to fall asleep, my mind feels to awake. And though my eyes are tired, and my body is longing for rest, my brain is wired with energy. I used to be a morning person; I'd get up early before the rest of my family and go to bed before them. But I've slowly begun to stay up later and I see why it is so appealing to some people. I don't like sleeping in though. Nine or ten is fine, but any time much past than is not for me. It take me hours to feel fully awake and it is not pleasant.

I wish I could feel this energy in the morning when my alarm goes off. My first response is to go right back to sleep. It wasn't this morning. This morning I felt alive. I believe the reason was because today, I had nothing to fear. There was nothing going on except for my dance class, nothing to make me nervous or anxious. It felt good. It felt right. I wish all my days were like that. And I come back to the question I keep trying to answer: Why am I so afraid?

I used to worry a lot; mainly about my parents. I was convinced something terrible would happen to one of them. It would hit me especially and night. I used to sneak out of bed and peek at them, just to make sure they were still there and that they were safe. It was miserable. But God helped me through it. Now I say I don't worry anymore. But do I? Now instead of fearing for my parents, I fear for myself. Is this just a different kind of worry? I'm constantly wondering, what will I say? What will I do? What will they think? How will I handle this? What if this happens? What if that happens? Isn't this all just another kind of worry? I'm thinking that perhaps it is. I think I really need to work on this area of my life. Living in constant fear is not really living. I can't continue like this. It makes life miserable and scary. I look at people and instead of seeing them as potential friends or people who are completely neutral to me, I see them as strangers who can in some way harm me(how, I'm not really sure, certainly not physically. Maybe verbally?). And not understanding my fear, grrr! it drives me crazy! Being afraid is bad enough but not knowing why is even worse. And if I don't know why I'm afraid, how can I possibly conquer my fears? Only through Jesus. Only with God's help.

Fear and Doubt

I did it again. Tonight I went into work and was scheduled to close with another girl. I was so scared. I didn't think I knew what to do. I was thinking about this before I went into work, and God just said to me, "I've gotten you through other things; don't you trust me with this too?" This was really meaningful to me. But why was I still scared? Everything went fine. It was great, me and the other girl had great team work. There was nothing to worry about. I was thinking about it as I drove home and didn't understand why, if every time I'm afraid God holds me up, I still get scared. Why am I so frightened of new situations? God is taking care for me, He's showed that to me. It seems like I'm not learning anything. Or do I not trust God as much as I think I do. I'm not sure.

And then right as I was coming up the hill to my house, the song "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North began playiing on the radio. It was a great reminder that God was with me, holding onto me, and that He'll never ever ever leave me and I can cry out to Him any time and He will be there to help me.

Ok, one more thing. Anyone else have trouble with doubt? Well, I do. Let me give you an example. I'm pretty certain I want to go to DeSales University for college next year. Actually, I'm very certain. I just feel a pull towards DeSales that I didn't feel for any of the other colleges I visited. I think that that's God's way of telling me that DeSales is where He wants me. At least that's what I thought. I guess I still think it, but now as I fill out an application for DeSales, I'm maybe wondering if I should also consider other colleges in case I don't get accepted or if DeSales isn't where God wants me. See, when I made up my mind that I wanted to go to DeSales, I pretty much ruled out all other schools. My mom asked me if I wasnted to visit Messiah and I said no. I don't know if I'm even going to apply to other schools. What if I'm making a mistake? Last night was really bad. Lying in bed, I just doubted my decision; I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing. I've prayed about where I should go, but never got a really clear answer. But maybe the tug I felt towards DeSales is my answer. I feel so drawn to DeSales and sorta repulsed my all the other colleges. It's another trust issue. I need to surrender decision about where I go to college to God and trust that He'll take me to the right school and enable me to get in. But I'm afraid. Next year isn't too far away and I want to know where I'll be. I want to be certain. I want it all planned out. But maybe God doesn't; can I trust Him with that?

Alright, I'm through. I'm going to stop listening to "City On Our Knees" over and over and go to bed now. Thanks for listening.

School

OK, anyone else feeling like: "AHHHHH! I'm not ready for school to start!"? Well,(haha)I am. I was looking at the syllabus a minute ago and there are already assignments we can be working on. Too soon! I go on vacation with my family for 8 days next Wednesday and I am so psyched for it(we're going to the beach!). So to have assignments hanging over my head, waiting to be done, stresses me out a little. Anyone else feeling like this? September 4th is still a ways away but it's coming. *Deep breath* I can do this. More fear. I'm already afraid I won't get everything done on time. Ugh, I did this last year with AP Psych. Dread again. I was so afraid I wouldn't get everything done but ended up doing it all and having extra time. I've still got 23 days until September 4th! Granted I'll be on vacation for 8 of those days but still, that's 15 days I've got do do the assignments!

I'm done with my tangent, got over my initial stress and fear. I'll be fine. But does anyone else feel like this?? ("Can you hear me? Does anyone around me feel that way that I feel now?" ~ Hawk Nelson, Take Me)

Dread, Fear and Questions

“There they were, overwhelmed with dread, when there was nothing to dread.” ~ Psalm 54:5.

Have you ever been really afraid of something, then gotten through it and discovered that you really enjoyed it and there was nothing to be afraid of? I do it all the time. I have something I have to do and I think it’s going to be terrible. I get really nervous, dread it, make myself sick over it. And then it happens and everything is fine, I even enjoy myself. Why was I so afraid? It was fear of the future. It wasn’t really the task that scared me, it was not knowing how it would turn out. Fear of the unknown. I hate that. I try to overcome my fears but it’s so hard.

Here’s another question: Have you ever had something to say, but didn’t speak up? This happens to me all the time; mostly in bigger groups. Someone asks a question, I think of an answer, but I don’t say anything. Why? I’m afraid of what other people think, I’m afraid I’ll be wrong or that they’ll think I’m wrong. So I keep my mouth shut. I let my fear rule my life. And I’m so sick of it.

So why the heck am I so afraid? It says in the Bible that God is the only one we should fear. “The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, He is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread.” ~ Isaiah 8:13. So God is the only one I should fear. Yeah, like I can do that. I’ve been realizing recently that I’m afraid of a lot of people. In fact, I’m afraid of people in general. It’s so frustrating. I don’t understand how some people can be so confident. Where do they get it from? “For the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.” ~ Proverbs 3:26. So if I ask to help me be confident, will it just be like, bam! I’m confident? No, I think we have to go out on the limb, trust Him and He’ll take care of us. So, instead of not speaking up when someone asks a question, I need to take that breath and start talking and trusting God to take care of me. That’s hard. Trust is hard. And there are different kinds of trust too. But that’s for another time. I wasn’t to talk about fear some more.

“The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” ~ Psalm 118:6. Good question: what can man do to me? Well, embarrass me, humiliate me, hurt me (physically, emotionally), ignore me, laugh at me, steal from me, you get the idea. But ultimately, in the long, long term what can man do to me? Man can’t make God stop loving me; can’t take me away from Him; can’t stop me from going to heaven or praying; can’t make my family stop caring about me. And if God is on my side, who stands a chance against me? No one. The answer is no on at all. NO ONE!!!! That means man, Satan, demons, anyone in this world. No one. Thinking about that makes me want to laugh with joy. It’s so amazing. And so true. It’s so awesome I can hardly even grasp that idea. Actually, I don’t think I fully can. So then, if God is on my side, and I know no one stands a chance against me, why am I still afraid of people? That is the question I’ve been trying to answer. Let me know if you figure it out. I’d really like to know.